I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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