I'm going to jail i love you
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
