I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
