Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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