Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
