I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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