you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
