im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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