You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
