just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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