Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
