I can text with my tongue
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
