I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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