I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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