you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
