The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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