toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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