and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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