I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
