You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
