Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
