I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
