he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
