Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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