Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize