you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
