He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
