I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
