she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
