i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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