My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
