I cannot find my penis.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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