Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
