my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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