You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
