I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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