I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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