why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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