She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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