How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
