fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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