HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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