just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
