happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
