At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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