How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
