Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
