i think my tv is drunk
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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