Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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