he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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