Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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