i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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