The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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