Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
