I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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