She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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