so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
