my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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