Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize