Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize