You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
